Pure Magazine

Marital Bliss not so BLISSFUL?

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What to do when your marriage is on the rocks

Life is a funny thing sometimes. As my husband says, "Just when you think you got it, you don't." Well, the same thing can be said about life in the "marital realms". Just when you think your marriage is going great, a speed bump can show up on the road and catch you off guard. A death in the family, financial problems, job lay-offs, infidelity, problems with children? The list can go on and on when it comes to outward interference in a marriage. However, remember that God is the one that created marriage. Satan is the one that wants to destroy families and break up marriages. The odds are that if you are married, you have hit a rough patch at one time or another. Just as life has its ups and downs, so does a marriage. But what are we supposed to do when the downs of marriage have kicked us to the curb? Let's see what the Bible has to say.

The Fruits of the Spirit

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One thing I've found to be true in marriage is you cannot change your spouse. You cannot expect your marriage to change if you are depending on your spouse to change it. You must be proactive and focus on your behavior first. When you begin to pray for your marriage and live and act in the fruits of the spirit, I guarantee that your spouse will take notice.

When you are in the midst of an argument, do you think it would get better or worse if you listened and admitted your faults? Or do you think you will improve the situation by snapping back and sharing all of your hurts? Most likely the first way is the best.

God gave us an outline to how we should live...not just with friends and co-workers, but with our spouses as well.

I have a few tips that may help out when you are on the verge of exploding:

1) Step back from the situation. SAY A PRAYER. It may be hard because you are so angry, but SAY A PRAYER.

2) Respond in love. There is nothing wrong with sharing your feelings, even if they are feelings of hurt or disappointment. But, share those feelings in LOVE.

3) Be gentle in your speech. Don't use a harsh tone or body language.

4) Do your best to keep peace in your household. If the situation is escalating, step away again. Take another breather. SAY ANOTHER PRAYER.

5) Be patient with your spouse as they explain their feelings. Don't interrupt, but listen patiently.

6) Be faithful to your spouse by knocking down temptations to run away or run into someone else's arms. Be faithful in mind and action...your marriage will survive this if you depend on God.

7) Be self-controlled. When you are angry, do not react. Violence is caused by anger...if you are having violent thoughts walk away. Control your anger.

8 ) Do your best to not steal your spouse's joy. You ever hear of raining on someone's parade? If you are upset about something, choose the correct timing in bringing it up to your spouse. Choose the correct environment as well.

9) Be kind in your actions and speech. There is a way to explain yourself kindly, even if what you have to say is productive criticism.

10) Goodness....Keep negativity out of your mouth. Criticism is a large cause of divorce. Remind your spouse of the good you see in him. Be careful of being too overly critical.

*I know this is easier said than done, but the more you practice living in the spirit, the easier it will become*

Forgiveness

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If you are married, or thinking of getting married in the future, read this next part carefully.

Marriage is work. Great marriages are created by two people that are dedicated to making it work. You will not get through life being married without some arguments. It is going to happen. So don't be surprised when a dispute happens. It just will.

However, when your husband hurts you, do you hold onto a grudge afterward? Are you able to forgive him and wipe his slate clean?

Luke 6:37

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven."

This is a hard one to hear, especially if wounds are great. Rape victims, victims of abuse, and the like will especially find this difficult. A large part of why it is so difficult is because most believe if they forgive the abuser, they will be getting away with the crime. However, we must come to know that God is the one to deal with the abuser. It is not our part to avenge, but the Lord's. I am not suggesting that you stay in an abusive situation. If you are being abused you should contact your local police department and seek help. However, you cannot hold onto the pain forever. You must learn to forgive and move on.

The same goes for wives that have been hurt by husbands. Let's face it; we all say things we shouldn't at times. We all hurt our spouse at one time or another intentionally or unintentionally. But, if we hold onto grudges and keep bringing them back into arguments, we will never move on and our marriages will never improve.

Forgiveness is an art form. Let's become masters of it.

Don't give Satan a Foothold

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Ephesians 4:26-32

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. ... Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

When we live in sin, we give Satan a foothold. This actually means you are helping Satan ruin your life. His goal is to STEAL, KILL, and DESTROY anything and everything in your life. He doesn't take vacations when you are at your lowest point. He will pounce on you like a lion. If your marriage is suffering and you hold onto grudges, he will feed off of that to make it worse. DO NOT give him a foothold because he will use it.

Conclusion

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1 Peter 3:1

"Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives,"

1 Peter 3:1-3

"Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers."

Let's all try to live the way God intended: with the fruits of the Spirit.

Choosing To

Let Go and Let God

One of the hardest things for a woman to admit is that she cannot do everything on her own. In today’s society women are expected to be superheroes. They should be able to hold down a full-time job, take care of their children and husbands, get dinner on the table, take care of everyone’s problems, stay in shape physically, and do all of it with a smile on their face. It isn’t hard to understand why women feel a lot of unneeded pressure when they try to fill the roles of a superhero.

When I think about the progress women have made in the world, I have mixed feelings. For a single,working mother, it is even harder to juggle all of life’s battles and I applaud you. “Let’s see here…how can I leave this board meeting in time for my child’s PTA meeting? And wait, I have to pick up the dry cleaning and wash my daughter’s dance uniform tonight too.” Does this sound familiar to anyone?

For those of you that may think I am anti-women-working, I am far from it.What I am against is a society that thinks “working” can only be done outside the home and that being a mother isn't "real work". The Bible talks about a “woman of noble character” that works hard and takes care of her family.

Proverbs 31:13-

“She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.”

Even to a mother with help from a spouse, life can be hectic. To women that want to stay home, often times it isn’t possible financially. It’s hard to raise a family on two incomes, today; let alone with one income. Women are expected to feel guilty,no matter what they choose to do. If you stay home to take care of your husband and kids, you are supposed to feel guilty for the lack in income, having people claim you aren’t “pulling your weight”. If you choose to work (or have to work), you are expected to feel guilty for not having enough time to spend with your kids. As a woman, you cannot win in today’s society. So as I said, when I think about the “progress” women have made, I am proud and worried at the same time.

According to Kim Parker, author o f“The Harried Life of the Working Mother”, “women make up almost half of the U.S. labor force, up from 38% in 1970. This nearly forty-year trend has been fueled by a broad public consensus about the changing role of women in society. A solid majority of Americans (75%) reject the idea that both husband and wife should contribute to the family income. But in spite of these long-term changes in behaviors and attitudes, many women remain conflicted about the competing roles they play at work and at home. Working mothers in particular are ambivalent about whether full-time work is the best thing for them or their children; they feel the tug of family much more acutely than do working fathers. As a result, most working mothers find themselves in a situation that they say is less than ideal.”

We have already stated the obvious here: women are under pressure. But, how can we deal with these pressures whilst staying sane? My solution is just as obvious as the problem: Cast your cares on the Lord. He is our burden bearer and He wants to be there for us.

Psalm 55:22

“Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.”

1 Peter 5:7

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”

Psalm 68:19

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.

Isaiah 40:29-31

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Freedom is coming, and His name is Jesus. All He asks is that you allow Him to take the load off your shoulders.No matter where you are in life, God is watching out for you. Whether you are single, married, divorced, widowed, with children or without children, working at home or outside the home, God knows what you are going through and He will give you the strength you need to accomplish what He has set out for you to do.

Let’s all try to trust God more and“let go & let God”.

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Revised by Marci Watt

It was just last night that my husband and I decided to take a ride on our motorcycle. As we cruised down the highway, with stars above our heads and the summer heat blowing on our faces, I started thinking about how life is dangerously similar to our motorcycle's tires treading on that road. How quickly do we forget the road behind us?  How often do we take time to recall the things God has brought us through? Do we really take time to thank God for navigating us through the tough roads behind us and ahead of us?

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Before this magazine was created, I spent five months in Australia during a Mission trip. Prior to this trip, I had my heart broken. The details of the heartbreak aren't as relevant as the healing that God brought to me. Day by day, I had to prepare my mind to focus on God, focus on his promises, and focus on serving the people I was with. And just when I was at my weakest point, God made himself so present in my life.

People keep asking me, "Why the leaves? Why have that as your magazine's logo?" The truth is, there is a very big story behind it. There is a story of hope.

Similar to the story you've read in "He is Real" called "Strawberry Hope", God brought me to a place in nature that brought me out of the miry clay and onto solid ground.

One day, during our classroom lectures, we were discussing "Hearing the Voice of God." We were taught that God has many ways of speaking to people. He comes as an audible voice, a whisper, a dream or vision, and many more. The most important in this story is that He can make himself known through nature. Our speaker on that day handed us each a post card face down. She said, "Go find a quiet place and when I say so you can flip over your post cards. Ask God to speak to you through your post card." I will be honest; I thought it was a load of crap. I knew that God speaks to us, but through a post card? Come on, get real.

However, to follow directions, I flipped it over. To my surprise, the post card was a picture of two trees, set in autumn. One was very tall, so tall in fact that all you could see was the sturdy trunk. The one next to it however was vibrant, full of color and life, and blooming everywhere. The funny thing to begin with, is that my favorite season is autumn. I was born in autumn.

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As I looked at this post card, my hand started writing. All these words started flooding into my mind. And before I knew it, I had written this prophesy for my life that God had inspired.

It read:

"When you return in autumn, you will be a new creation. I am planting you in new soil. I am placing you next to someone that will help you flourish: someone steady and strong. You will glow with the radiance of my joy. I will give you the desires of your heart. I will allow you to rest in my peace. You are beautiful, my child. I have created you beautifully. No longer will you feel alone. My breath of life surrounds you. Flourish in the gifts I have given you. I am giving you a friend to stand by you, to feed into you, to show your beauty, to support you. Do not worry, my daughter. You are mine and I am yours."

Though to the common eye, this doesn't exactly say, "Go start an online magazine for women.".... That is exactly what it said to me. Now, keep in mind there were already dreams and visions from God that told me to do this. Also, it took over two years for it to come into play. But, God did bring me my friend to support me: my husband. He was the one that finally pushed me to start this magazine. He was the one that God placed in my life to support me.

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So, as I sat on that motorcycle last night, thinking about life, I realized that God is bigger than we often give him credit for. His promises spread further than any highway we may be cruising down. He has been planning your life since before you were born. He set aside certain moments and people just for you. He has been placing the pieces of your life together since birth.

Ephesians 1:11

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will,

To those of you that are cruising through life so quickly that you don't even see God in the big picture, my suggestion is that you slow down. Take the time to recollect times in your life that God made himself known. Think of all the times He has healed you, given you hope, brought a person into your life, etc.

 Psalm 139:13-14

For you created my inmost being;

       you knit me together in my mother's womb.

 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

       your works are wonderful,

       I know that full well.

Maybe you are in the process of going through a trying time of life. Maybe you can't see God in the midst of all your pain. Or, perhaps you are so happy and successful that you forget how you got there. You forget to thank God for blessing you with what you have.

No matter where you are in life, try to slow down a bit and remember that God is in charge; God is bigger than any trial, and happier than you are for your success.

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It's a common problem affecting families everywhere: strained mother-daughter relationships. You may experience the door slam, the "you're ruining my life!" or the infamous "you just don't understand!" Now, for the common household, these disturbances will probably create a strong tension in the family environment. However, what if you and your daughter could learn a new way to communicate? 

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Ephesians 6:1

[ Children and Parents ] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Proverbs 22:6

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

I will be the first to say that I am not an expert on parenting. I am not even a parent yet. However, I was a teenage girl that grew up with two sisters. The three of us and mom grew to understand communication, even in the tough times. We had our fair share of arguments, of feeling misunderstood, and all the other emotions we don't really like to talk about. One thing, however, that always brought me closer to my mom was to know that I could go to her with anything. I might not have liked the response, but I always knew that mom's love was unconditional.

This is of course a generalization, but I know that often times, teenage girls that won't speak to their mothers feel that they can't trust them. They feel that their mom isn't "with the times" and "couldn't possibly understand what they are going through"

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"Ingrid Sanden says that the single most important thing a parent can do to stay in touch with their teen is to be "askable" (Keeping Tabs on Your Teen by Johnathon Allen)." If your daughter knows that you won't fly off the handle when she comes to you for advice, she might start bringing up those tough topics (Sex, drugs, alcohol, etc). Allen also states in his article "Studies resoundingly show that a lack of parental support and guidance is one of the primary causes for at-risk behavior such as drinking, smoking, taking drugs and having unprotected sex," says Dr. Michael Anastasi, a family counselor from LaVerne, Calif. "While there is certainly a balance to be struck, it’s absolutely imperative that parents go through the struggle of keeping in touch with their teens and revising their role as caregivers."

Do you remember those commercials that said, "It's 10pm. Do you know where your children are?" That is a valid question. Sadly enough, a lot of parents don't know what their children are doing.

The following information is taken from

http://www.netsmartz.org/safety/statistics.htm

33% of 13- to- 17-year-olds reported that their parents or guardians know

“very little” or “nothing” about what they do on the Internet.

48% of 16-17s said their parents or guardians know “very little” or “nothing”

You are your child's keeper

until she's mature enough to keep herself.

~ Laura Ramirez, Author of the parenting book Keepers of the Children

The article goes on to say, "Talking early and often with kids about things like relationships, sex and drugs may be hard, but children and teenagers consistently say they would rather hear about sex from their parents than from their friends or the media," Sanden says. Government statistics strongly support this view. In fact, 70 percent of interviewed teens said they were ready to discuss things their parents thought they weren’t prepared for. When asked why teenage girls become pregnant, more than 70 percent cited lack of communication between a girl and her parents."

Are you trying to teach your daughter the way to go and she isn't listening? Is your daughter getting involved in hazardous behavior and you feel there is nothing you can do to help? Denise Witmer, from About.com Guide offers a list of

10 Ways to Send a Clear Message to Your Teenager:

1. Use your active listening skills and watch out for those door slammers.

2. Talk often with your teen to bring out positive opinions, ideas, and behaviors by using an affirmative tone and body language.

3. Treat your teenager with the same respect you would have them treat you. Say 'hi', 'I love you', 'how was your day', etc.

4.  Your tone of voice is extremely important. Yelling simply doesn't work. The loud noise will shut down the listener (your teen) and you will not get through. If you feel the need to yell, 'time out' of the conversation until you have better control.

5. Be precise and detailed about what you expect. Write it down and use an Action Plan if you feel there is a need.

6. If you're giving your teenager instructions, write them down. It's a fail-safe for teens and adults. This way they will remember what they are expected to do and you can feel sure that you 'told' them correctly. Remember, to-do lists will keep you stress free.

7.  Do things together one-on-one and with the whole family. Good times often bring about great conversations, and wonderful memories.

***This is one of my personal favorites. My best memories of child/teenhood are when my mom spent time with me one-on-one. Especially when I was a young adult, I got to really know my mom.***

Deuteronomy 6:6

"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up."

8. 'Do as I say, not as I do' doesn't work. Modeling is the best way of learning. You are your teenager's model and they will emulate your behaviors.

Titus 2:4

Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children,

9. Never shut your teen out to show that you disapprove of their behavior. If you need time before you can talk to them about something that has upset you, tell them that you need time. Don't walk away silent.

10. "Because I said so" actually works when you are being pulled into a power struggle in discipline situations. You are the parent, and because of this, you do have the final say. Teenagers know this and trust you because of it. But do try to explain your reasoning whenever possible.

11. (This one I added myself) PRAY for your daughter. Pray that she will succeed in life by following God's will. Pray for her future spouse and children (if it's God's will for her to have them). Pray that your communication with your daughter will always be open and honest, loving and compassionate.

I remember my mother's prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life.  ~Abraham Lincoln

Image borrowed from:

http://families.osu.edu/stages-of-life/img/mother_and_daughter.jpg

What it comes down to folks is that teenage girls are in a struggle. They are being told to prepare for adulthood, to think and act like an adult, but are often times still treated like children. They feel confused and torn between one world and another. As mothers, it is your job to understand that your daughters are struggling and to be compassionate and understanding when they do fail.

Remember that as a mother, you will always be an influence in your daughter's life. From the time they take their first breath to possibly their last, daughters will always wonder, "What would mom do?" I would even argue this is true in mother-daughter relationships that are strained.

Let me end this article with a poem that demonstrates the power you have as a mother. You have the power to teach your children good/evil, to help them succeed/fail, etc.

Blessings on the hand of women!

Angels guard its strength and grace,

In the palace, cottage, hovel,

Oh, no matter where the place;

Would that never storms assailed it,

Rainbows ever gently curled;

For the hand that rocks the cradle

Is the hand that rules the world.

Infancy's the tender fountain,

Power may with beauty flow,

Mother's first to guide the streamlets,

From them souls unresting grow—

Grow on for the good or evil,

Sunshine streamed or evil hurled;

For the hand that rocks the cradle

Is the hand that rules the world.

Woman, how divine your mission

Here upon our natal sod!

Keep, oh, keep the young heart open

Always to the breath of God!

All true trophies of the ages

Are from mother-love impearled;

For the hand that rocks the cradle

Is the hand that rules the world.

Blessings on the hand of women!

Fathers, sons, and daughters cry,

And the sacred song is mingled

With the worship in the sky—

Mingles where no tempest darkens,

Rainbows evermore are hurled;

For the hand that rocks the cradle

Is the hand that rules the world.

William Ross Wallace

Let's try to keep the line open and practice good communication between mother and daughter.

What does it mean to

???

It is very uncommon today to hear that the man is the head of the household. As a matter of fact, if it is heard, it is ridiculed because it isn't politically correct. In this society, women are encouraged to be strong, career-minded, "wearing the pants" women. There is nothing wrong with women working or being independent. However, there is such a thing as going to the extreme, and I believe that is what our culture has done to the American family.

The reason most people get angry when it is suggested that a woman should submit to her husband, is because often times there is a misconception of what submitting actually is.

God never intended for women to be of less value or worth than a man. He created us equal. However, He did design the man to be the head of the household. Before I begin this subject, let's start from the beginning.

1 Corinthians 11:11 (New International Version)

 "In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman."

Submitting to God

Before we know how to submit to any human, we must learn to submit to God.

Ephesians 5:24 (New International Version)

"Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything."

One definition of submit is "to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others: to submit a plan; to submit an application"

I like to think of God as my ultimate decision maker. I come up with the plan and ask God to stamp the approval and tell me which steps to take.

Proverbs 16:9 (New International Version)

 "In his heart a man plans his course,

       but the LORD determines his steps."

If you can grasp this idea and actually implement it into your life, you are on the way to understanding what submission to God really entails.

Submission to

Romans 13:1

"Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God."

It's popular today to "question authority". There is nothing wrong with questioning your leaders, but there is a fine line between questioning and disrespect. As the scripture above says, "the authorities that exist have been established by God". If they exist, they have been established by God. That doesn't say, "If you agree with what the authority says, it has been established by God." Submission means that you yield to another's authority. Obviously, don't follow someone into immorality. But, do your best to follow the leaders that God has placed in your life (ie, your parents, boss, teachers, government, etc.).

Submitting to your husband

Ephesians 5:22

"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord."

I have left this until the end because in order to understand submitting to your husband, you must fully submit to God and the authorities in your life. It puts you in the frame of mind that by submitting, you are not giving up value and worth. You are in fact more powerful because you have learned to respect God and those he has placed in authority.

By submitting to your husband, you are not saying it's okay for him to abuse his "power".  As a matter of fact, you are telling him that you trust him to make decisions that will lead your family to where it needs to be.

There is a two-way road here, as well.

Ephesians 5:28

"In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself."

What I am suggesting is that wives let their guard down and trust their husbands. If he is doing what Christ intended (loving his wife as much as himself), then the wife has nothing to worry about. But, there is nothing more frustrating to a man than to feel disrespected.

I believe that Martin Luther had it right when he said, "Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let him make her sorry to see him leave."

If you respect your husband, and let him make AT LEAST some of the decisions, you will go a long way together.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.

-- Zig Ziglar

Don't fight with your husband to wear the pants. You are an equal partnership. If you respect your husband, allow him to wear the pants. There is nothing wrong with being the neck that turns the head either.

 For those of you that are not married, you may be thinking that this blog doesn't pertain to you. But, just remember that whether you have a husband or not, you are to submit to God. Men and women alike are under the authority of Christ and it is our duty as his children to submit to that authority.

John 15:13 (New International Version)

13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."

Have you ever thought to yourself, "What can I do for my friend today?" For most of us we can say that we have had that thought on average maybe once every month or others maybe even once every other week. But if we were really honest, most of us would have to admit that we have the thought of, "Why hasn't my friend been there for me through this time?" or "I wonder if anyone has even thought to pick up the phone and call me."

On average, the majority of us are pretty self-involved. I don't say this to condemn, but rather to bring light to the fact that there is a great need for friendship described in the verse above. God gave us relationships for a reason and they are not to be taken lightly.

According to capecodonline.com, "People with a strong social network are more likely to survive a major illness such as a heart attack or cancer. Human companionship can also help reduce the effects of stress on the body, protect against illness, and help us heal when we do get sick. They're also less susceptible to chronic illnesses such as heart disease, inflammatory bowel disease and arthritis." If you read these words, it almost says that the power of friendship can make someone feel better...it can bring healing.

I know in my own personal life, when I am feeling ill and a friend calls to see how I am, it makes me feel better. I feel my spirit lifting just because someone cares.

I guess the scripture is true in Ecclesiastes 4:10 (New International Version) when it says "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!"

You can carry this same idea in to any relationship, including marriage and family. According to Psychologytoday.com, "Studies show unequivocally that it's the friendship part of marriage that makes marriage last." I know if I didn't feel that friendship between my husband and I, we would be struggling. I need to know that he is my companion and my friend, not just my husband or lover.

In that same breath, I need to show my husband that I am his friend. I need to be there for him by sometimes sacrificing what I want to do. For example, my husband loves watching football. I love to play it but cannot stand watching it on TV. But because he loves it, I am going to start watching it with him this fall. Why? Because I want him to know that I am his friend and am willing to participate in the things he enjoys.

We all could use a little boost in our friendship points, even if we feel we are great friends. Try this week to put aside how you are feeling and what you want to do, in order to do something special for one of your friends. Maybe an unexpected visit or phone call, an encouraging card sent out, maybe even flowers delivered. One of the most important things you can do for them is to pray for them.

Job 42:10 (New International Version)

10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the LORD made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.

Now, try not to only pray to receive reward. Try to put your friend above yourself; not judging, not condemning, but loving unconditionally.